MUM’S THE WORD

It’s Mother’s Day as I write this so may I present to the universe my latest newsletter baby; please buy me gifts and/or send the cash equivalent. It weighs 0 kilograms, looks exactly like me and will be taking my surname. And just as in real life when you sometimes have to pretend to be more excited about other people’s* babies than you actually feel, I’m sure you will afford me the same courtesy-insincerity about this landing in your inboxes. Excuse me now while I dash off to walk my laptop around the block in the hopes that it falls asleep. Yours in mothering, EO’MD. *this does not apply to people I actually know in real life FYI. Your babies, toddlers and beyond are all Grade A cutie pies.

HELLO WORLD!

Sending out a new newsletter has been on the top of my ‘To Do’ list for months but I let other very pressing matters take priority. Such as Esther? What could possibly be more important than sharing you gas words with the world? Well, let me take you through some of the many, many things (six) I’ve chosen fill my days with.

1. I hoofed a double mattress up a flight of stairs which I invite you to do solo like me if you don’t value safety or your life. It’s like pushing a giant rectangle of fabric jelly up a hill. My hot tip is to pop off your slipper socks whilst doing it or, like me, you will have the life affirming moment of almost losing your footing on a step and nearly snotting it down a flight of stairs.

2. I hoofed two armchairs down the aforementioned stairs, once again solo, once again, not recommended. For a good twenty minutes of that particular task, one of the chairs became wedged in the door frame and I contemplated leaving it there. Why was I so impatient? Why didn’t I get someone to come and help me? Would I now be paying DFS €33.80 a month for the next 8,000 years for something I couldn’t use? After some gentle Armchair-xit negotiations, they both found their way to the sitting room and are having a ball being sat on by all manner of arses. They were born to do it.

3. I have become an entry level DIY-er. My most recent work, was semi-fixing a leak in a radiator which I had no desire to do but I am nothing if not a complete legend and stepped up to the very minor challenge. I soon found just the You Tube video for me and was pretty sure that the valve needed to be tightened. Rock and fooking roll! My efforts were immediately thwarted when I realised that the wrench I had was too small (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID ETC. AM I RIGHT LADIES WHA’ WHA’.) So off to the hardware shop for me. I go into Decwells on George’s Street so often at the moment I get ‘the nod’ upon entering. In the last few months I’ve spent too much money on all manner of boner shrinking items such as vent covers, lightbulbs, wrenches (‘allo!) screwdriver sets, pliers, latches, catches, spray paint, felt things for under furniture, hooks, handles, silicone, silicone guns, Allen keys and myriad other bits. I never pinned an image of me changing a manky toilet seat cover seemingly welded on with piss and rust, to my dream board, but lo, this is my life now. So while certainly this newsletter output has suffered, my DIY activity has gone stratospheric. If I were Danny Dyer, I’d rename myself Danny DIY-er and get a 50 part handyman series on Dave. Alas, I am not. I am Esther O’MD-I-Y-er and TV stardom remains as elusive as ever. However while I am unlikely to become a presenter on Changing Rooms, I’ve learned a lot over the last 5 months tinkering around my gaff. Most importantly that I am terrific and can do anything I put my mind to, all things being equal. And most usefully, having spent hours in online plastering forums in a bid to gain ‘de plasterin’ knowledge’, if I met a plasterer at a social event now I’m sure I could easily horseshit a 17 minute conversation with them.

Example 1:

’So I said to *him* I don’t want dash and dab *love*, I want you to build out the wall using sand and cement to meet the profile of the coving *then* skim and only warm board the two externals if you don’t mind.’

Example 2:

’Of course using Calcitherm would be most people’s first choice but I’m not Jeff bloody Bezos am I? HAHAHAHAHAHA.’ Then we would laugh together for twelve minutes.

In addition to my Homes Under the Hammer style improvements, I’ve also done between three and five other things including some stand up which was terrifying but ultimately A Good Thing To Do™. Will I do it again? Perhaps…perhaps…we’ll see what happens. I also started recording a new podcast called Esther Is In Bits (E.I.I.B) where I talk to guests who have been in bits or see something in bits they’d like to change. Go right now this very moment and follow it on Insta so you’re kept aboob of al the latest nooz. The 80% is not going anywhere but I wanted to have different type of conversations on E.I.I.B. https://www.instagram.com/estherisinbits/

Okay. That’s enough for now. I don’t want you to get too excited or you won’t be able to sleep.

Until next time, keep it fresh, keep it sexy and use the right sized wrench.

EO’MD

Copyright © 2019 Esther O’Moore Donohoe, All rights reserved.