Costa del Lol

This is the final dispatch from my overseas. By the time you read this I will have returned to the mainland. Thankfully, I’ve been able to completely relax and still fulfil my duties as editor and CEO of a growing newsletter. Women can have it all. Inspired by Craig David’s Seven Days, I’ve done a mini daily diary this week. Adios for now.

Sunday:
I don’t have a TV in my house so having one here is quite the novelty. On Sunday evening I watched Line of Duty and was beeping with excitement to find out who the fock H was. As the programme was reaching its peak, I could hear muffled shouting from next door. It seemed to be kicking off in the Scottish neighbours but I couldn’t abandon the lads in AC-12 to have a proper earwig. Thankfully the argument continue well past the end of the programme. As soon as it did I was straight into the bedroom where I could hear them better. I think the dynamic is that there are two couples, a mum and a dad and their son and his girlfriend. Sounds like an absolute nightmare holiday situation to me but to each their own. The mum and the girlfriend were giving out to the son for some reason but I wasn’t really pushed after about two minutes tbh. I listened long enough to hear the son mention ‘weans’ though which was great as it reminded me of this Limmy sketch (https://youtu.be/RkuWrmxN7hg ) . I then
texted my brother as he is the only person I know who would appreciate this reference. I went back into the other room and hoped they’d stop so I could secure my 12 hours beauty sleep. They went on for another 45 minutes and tuckered themselves out. Quite the evening.

Monday: I know Marian Keyes is a famous author who has written tonnes of books and sold millions, but until today, I had never read any of her stuff. A few months ago I did, what’s known in the biz as, A Big Tweet®, and someone tagged her in a reply and THEN I got an email from her!!! ‘This really is the start of it’ I thought to myself. One Big Tweet® and now she wants to write a book together! And as I clicked to see what Marian wanted to collab on, I remembered it was her newsletter coming through that I had subscribed to because total legends subscribe to things. My Oscar speech evaporated into thin air. Anyhoo, I don’t know why I hadn’t read her before but RE-E-WIND! When the crowd say BO SELECTAAAAA! I started Rachel’s Holiday AND IT IS SO FUNNY! I didn’t expect to be snorting with laughter every few pages. I love it. The arguing family next door were sitting on their patio deciding what to get in the Indian ‘Wull weee gut spaicy ur playn poppadoms?’ and I was having a full on giggle
fit reading m’Kindle. What book of hers should I go with next? Leave your answers in the comments below, like and subscribe etc.

Tuesday: The funniest thing about the Met Gala for me, was a caption that beauty You Tube star James Charles put on his Instagram. Under a pic of himself dressed in Alexander Wang he wrote:

my first met gala 🥺 thank you so much @youtube (https://www.instagram.com/youtube/) for inviting me and @alexanderwangny (https://www.instagram.com/alexanderwangny/) for dressing me! 💕 being invited to such an important event like the ball is such an honor and a step forward in the right direction for influencer representation in the media and I am so excited to be a catalyst. video coming tomorrow!

It’s so brave of James to start the much needed global conversation on Influencer Representation In the Media. For too long, Influencers have not been represented enough on Lorraine, This Morning and Ireland AM. It is time for their day in the mainstream sun to come. Maybe he could gather a few top influencers from each country and create a global panel which will fight to get them spots on TV and radio. Thank you James Charles for bravely using yourself as a catalyst. He is the Rosa Parks of the beauty industry. https://youtu.be/PcKoYGNj0BU #InfluencerExtinction My little cousin likes him though so whatchatgunnado?

Wednesday: I saw a woodpecker in real life for the first time. I have of course drafted a letter to the Irish Times and have employed a Spanish carrier pigeon to dispatch it. That’s really going to blow their balls off in the Times post room. In addition, I saw a squashed hedgehog on the way to the shops. About two years ago I saw pomegranates hanging from trees in Dubrovnik and I thought to myself ‘Wow. I never knew pomegranates grew on trees.’ The other great news of today is that I burnt the Knockeragua area of the bod again. My spray suntan cream business cannot happen soon enough.

Thursday: The Spanish could give two flying sh*tes about single use plastics. If Archie Windsor was born here he would have been trotted out in a baby sized plastic straw with his head poking out one end and his tooters out the other. In the supermarket, you have to weigh all your fruit indifruitally and stick each item in a separate bags. They also want you to use disposable plastic gloves when picking out bread. I do a big show of pretending I’m going to use them when staff hover but as soon as they go off to deal with some jamon crisis, I hoof the rolls into the bag, with my hand completely nude! ‘Well Esther aren’t you great? How many great girl points do you want? Now, just remind the class, how did you get your holiday destination? Did you fly there on the back of a large woodpecker? Oh. A plane was it? Isn’t that interesting?’Je get it. WELL, I was watching Bandwagon Podcast’s (https://www.instagram.com/bandwagonspodcast/) story the other day they included a link to Myclimate.org
(https://www.myclimate.org/) where you can work out how much CO2 your flight created. To offset my carbon footprint I made a donation of €26 (the amount they calculated). Apparently, they will put it into projects to offset emissions. I know, eyeroll and I’m sure it’s not perfect and I certainly am not. In years to come we’ll probably find out they spent all the money on take-aways and teacup Pomeranians, but it’s something. Please let me be the James Charles of carbon output.

Friday:
Finished Marian Keyes book. Was sobbing at the end of it. Started the Tara Westover book Educated . Today was particularly roasting. I held two frozen Flora Pro-Activ tubs against my bod in an attempt to cool down at various times throughout the day. Why did I have two frozen Flora Pro-Activ tubs handy? Great question. I refuse to answer. In the evening I had to record some stings as I am a voiceover arTISTE in addition to being a not-for-profit podcast and newsletter boss. I wasn’t sure if the Scottish clan were in next door so I was cringing as I voiceovered my buttocks off, but I had to listen to them argue during Line of Duty the other night so we’re even Stephens.

Saturday:
I woke up to no sun which I am thrilled about as I am heading home today. The islands are in mourning at my departure and I get it, I *am* a ray of sunshine. Mother Nature’s lesson is not lost on me guys! Still, I am happy to be heading back to the best island of all, my heart, I mean, Oi-re-land. Ta-tar, ta-tar, ta-tar.

Hasta Luego!

P.S The Scottish family ended their time away with a final, closing argument for me to enjoy. Once again, I couldn’t fully engage in their disputes owing to it being slightly out of ear shot, but the father emerged at one point mumbling ‘shower of wankers’ under his breath.

PODCASTHER O’MOORE DONOHOE

I’ve edited the first two episodes of my new limited series Esther Is In Bits. You can follow on Insta (https://www.instagram.com/estherisinbits/) here for minimal updates. They’ll start to go out at the end of the month. The 80% is still alive but has just been on an extended Eat, Pray, Love style break. She’s doing great and appreciates all the texts and cards.

In the meantime, please keep it fresh and sexy as always. If you spot a cuckoo or any wild birds please inform me asap at 80percentpodcast@gmail.com. I am officially challenging The Irish Times supremacy at receiving bird notifications. Spread the word.

EO’MD.

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