G-G-G-G-GUESS WHO’S BACK IN THE HOUSE?

 

Me!

The boom (newsletter) is back babies.

What have I done in the two weeks since my last email?

What haven’t I done?

BUT WHAT HAVE YOU ACTUALLY DONE?

Well.

Most very recently, as I sat down to write this, I almost immediately decided that I needed to water the plants. Then I urgently needed pistachios so I went to the kitchen and while I was there, it made sense to make tea. I wasted no time at all returning to my laptop but quickly decided that I needed to order a label maker straight-away, which I did. Then I clicked on Netflix and watched 5 minutes 36 of something called The Family which I think is about an influential religious group in Washington..

Having worked up an appetite after doing zero amounts of work, I wanted chips but showed great restraint by not going out somewhere but instead, peeled some potatoes and shoved them in the oven. I was almost all set to go then and commit to tappa, tappa, tappa-ing but thought I’d have a quick look at You Tube where Beautiful Liar presented itself so I then had to perform Beautiful Liar by Beyonce and Shakira to an audience of one (me) where I played both Beyonce and Shakira Shakira complete with belly dancing. Only then did I sit down and order the book for next months book club and one just because it looked interesting and crucially was only 99p . FYI, our last book club book was The Farm and none of us were mad about it so I wouldn’t bother if you were thinking of reading it.

P.S Has anyone out there read Queenie and what did you think? Answers on a postcard (email) to me. Thank you. With all that said, here is this week’s noozletter.

THE NEWSLETTER’S NEWSLETTER:

If you listened to last week’s podcast (NOPE) you will have heard my meandering reasons why I didn’t volley out an email to you. In short, I was wrecked. The week before last, I couldn’t sleep at all. The Pierrot Clown tears of eczema under my eyes told me all I needed to know. I was worn out loves. Jeanne Sutton observed on Twitter last week that she thinks the reason she finds Friends comforting is because it shows adulthood as never being tired. As she pointed out, Monica was a fookin’ chef and they work bananas long days but there was never an episode were she couldn’t get up off the couch on a Friday evening and ordered a 3 in 1 tray from her local Chinese. Est needed a rest so hence no scintillating dispatches from my life but BOY OH BOY, do I have stories to share with YOU!………………………….I don’t. But read on cuties.

REAL THINGS I HAVE DONE SINCE LAST WE SPOKE:

1. I went to London and it was a delight. The purpose was to visit my friend Anna’s restaurant Myrtle (https://www.myrtlerestaurant.com/) . I was fairly certain I knew how to get there from where we were staying. It was only down the road but the bus stop had moved so I wanted to confirm with someone that I was heading in the right direction. I asked a man nearest to us who happened to be Irish. He was wearing a tweedy bucket hat with an Ireland patch sewn onto it and feathers coming out each side in case it was unclear where his loyalties lay. If I booped his nose, Thin Lizzy would most likely start playing out his ears. After he reassured us we were getting the correct bus, he then got on with us and proceeded to point out where various celebrities had lived and the prices at which their houses had been bought and sold.‘See that place there? Princess Diana lived there before she got married. David Bowie used to live down that road. Mick Jagger owned that house with with Marianne Faithful.’ And so on and so on. When I asked him if he knew where Super Nanny lived, he couldn’t give me an answer.

2.I did some stand up. This was during Esther’s Week Of Exhaustion so I thought, I’ll just pop along and CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION. The last time I did stand up was about five years ago-ish when Al Porter was starting. OH HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED. Anyhoo, I thought ‘fook it’ once I got there and put together a verrrrrry loose ‘set’ of some ideas in my phone and farted them out there. Well. People were clutching their sides. Wiping their eyes. Slapping their thighs, begging me to stop. That is not true but LOOK SURE ISN’T IT GOOD THAT I GOT UP THERE ANYWAY MARION. Send me gifts. If you’re reading this on Monday, I probably did some stand up Sunday night and I will project into the future and say, it was a huge success. Me telling jokes to A RAPT audience.

3.I visited a gym. If there was a little glass panel behind which my heart resided, you would see a tiny, grey, peanut, sitting on a sofa with a sweatband around its head, watching Homes Under the Hammer. I want to turn that grey peanut into a vital cashew! To do that, I need to move my tush but am against exercise. I like swimming though so that’s where I will spend my time and get my heart strong as I glide through the water at off-peak times.

4.I let my Amazon Prime go. I accidentally let the trial period skip into an additional month so I made hay once I realised I was stuck with it for another four weeks.

What did you buy Esther? STAND-BY FOR EXCITEMENT.

I bought:

Second hand copies of Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris. I Remember Nothing and Wallflower At The Orgy by Nora Ephron. Love Nina by Nina Stibbe (new). The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno and the Network Battle for the night by Bill Carter. All free shipping with Priiiime.  PLUS, a new retractable washing line for the yarden (BONER ZONE ALERT) and for those winter months, an indoor drying rack thing. Some reuseable bees wax cover things to use instead of clingfilm (I AM GRETA). They are very good and je would recommend.

Now, Amazon Prime is handy with the next day delivery but it’s just another subscription trickling money out of your account every month and it’s unnecessary. I know you can stream TV shows and there are good offers on books etc but who has the time dears to consume all this shite? In conclusion, it makes you feel Goddess like ordering your retractable washing line at 11pm on a Wednesday night and for it to arrive the next day, don’t get me wrong, but really, save your money loves….AND USE IT TO GET THE HAYU SUBSCRIPTION SO YOU CAN WATCH ALL THE REAL HOUSEWIVES SERIES. The. End.

5.I got into Schitts Creek. As mentioned in last weeks p’cast, I wasn’t ‘feelin’ this at first but then…je got very much into it. It’s funny, warm, sweet and I think you should watch it. Thanks to Emer McLysaght for her public declarations of affection for it, I was emboldened to try it on for size again (‘Ever tried. Ever failed’ etc.) OH AND I ALMOST FORGOT, EML also professed her love of Game Face by Roisin Conaty which you can watch on Channel 4 OD. I am into this now too. I still haven’t watched my bae, Aisling Bea’s new series This Way Up also on Channel 4 but I probably will by the time this has been droned to you. I am 80% happy for all these brilliant women in my life but I put it to you, do they have their own not-for-profit newsletter? THEY DO NOT!

6.I figured out what the living expression of the crying laughing emoji is. It is the words ‘holly’ ‘phil’ ‘this morning’ and ‘hilarious’ in the Daily Mail sidebar. If those two aren’t shitting themselves with laughter they’re pretending to be hungover and for £600,000 a year, I am willing to do the same.

And on that random note, we have come to the end of this week’s n’letter. I am now going to edit next week’s podcast and (possibly) go to a bbq.

UNTIL NEXT MONDAY, KEEP IT TIGHT AND RIGHT.

Esther Two Names.

P.S If you think someone else would enjoy this newsletter, send them the link to subscribe

Copyright © Esther O’Moore Donohoe. All rights reserved. 2019.

P.P.S Say hi wise guys: 80percentpodcast@gmail.com